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Brittany

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Ramble, ramble, ramble, ramble...... [Wednesday
01 19 11 - 02:36A]
[ mood | contemplative ]

Sometimes I look in the mirror and wonder who the hell I am and how the fuck did I get here? I've always had good intentions just somewhere down the road either my previous decisions end up sabotaging me or I throw a monkey wrench into the mix without even realizing that I've done it. It's sad that I honestly think deep down I'm trying to find sincere feelings whether they be friends, family, a lover, a companion. I just keep seeming to find the people who you know in the beginning seem like we could really click and then I realize I was just wanting to see what I wanted to see. No one's perfect, I know this. I'm so far from it it's not funny but sometimes it seems like I pick people who keeps the most distance from me, keep their feelings a bit guarded. This message mostly applies to the men I keep picking, god I worry one day I'm going to turn into my mother and make rash and impulsive decisions and be married from one asshole to another its ridiculous how much I worry about becoming this woman. Sometimes I have panic attacks worrying about my future, that I'm gonna make a series of bad decisions and end up living bitter and alone or stuck in a power struggle of a relationship and never find my inner peace, who I'm supposed to be, where I fit in, my niche, my more definitive path.

Sometimes I wonder if I really don't sabotage myself self-consciously making decisions that are going to come back up and bite me in the ass later on in life.
I wanna learn as much as I can, I wanna love and be loved as much I feel deep within me to settle the burning feeling to a constant glow, I wanna find more inner peace, I wanna make something of myself. I don't know what else to say besides dear brittany lets make a pact here to ourselves that I'm not going to deal with the negatives anymore only dealing with positives in my life. I will be the change I wanna see in the world. I will learn when to make decisions with my heart or with my head. I will find my inner self and connect with her more. And most of all I will be happy.

1 comment - tell me - remember - make a change

[Friday
07 30 10 - 02:18P]
[ mood | pissed off ]

Everyone seriously needs to back off me, I've had it. I've had it with trying to find a fucking job out here in nowhereville, I've had it with friends who barely fucking seem to care and they wonder why I respond the same way. I've had it with two faced bitches. I've had it with drama. I've had it with asshole men. I've had it with me constantly running around like a chicken with my head cut off.... Fuck people give me some breathing room, I normally try and stay on the positive side of things but hell one person can only take so much and this is getting ridiculous. So if all your doing in my life is bossing, hurting, taking advantage of, causing more drama, or just generally screwing me over then don't leave me be. I've got enough of my own shit right now...

tell me - remember - make a change

[Thursday
06 17 10 - 08:57P]
[ mood | weird ]

I want this so bad I can taste it, why is my life in the point of complete chaos? Not that its bad its just everything's changing and moving and going out in so many different directions, I've got so many different feelings and experiences inside of me that are constantly going on around me and hell sometimes within myself. And then theres those moments lately where shit damn near seems right and it just unexpected and the feelings are new and strange and wonderful but yet scary all at the same time. Ah chaos..where would I be without you?

tell me - remember - make a change

[Monday
03 22 10 - 12:17P]
How the hell did I get here?
tell me - remember - make a change

[Thursday
11 19 09 - 04:43P]
[ mood | anxious ]

I don't wanna become the woman with the steel fortress put up around myself. That's always my first instinct is if life gets hectic and comes crashing down on me I'm ready to put up my walls. I can normally fight it off and accept the fact that there's balance in the universe and just keep my head up and keep moving on.
Here lately though I've been bitter and kind of dazed. Not to anyone in particular actually mostly to myself. Sometimes it feels like crying like a little child seems like the most rational thing to do maybe it'll make the knot in my stomach go away, but I learned along time ago crying doesn't help the situation its relief is short lived and these are things I'm going to need to change in my life so I needn't be wasting time freaking out at the minor things in life that keep getting thrown my way although I really want to sometimes.
There's always something to be thankful for mine here lately have been friends, old and new. For tolerating my insecurities and my crazy spaz moments and just being there for me and everyone now and then having to help the drunk clumsy girl up. (Ahh fun times)
I'm always thankful for my daughter she's my spot of sun when the shadows close in on me, I just hope that the stress of the past couple of weeks events hasn't bothered her to much.

I guess in regards to how I feel anymore there's the little girl inside me that fears of being alone in the dark and sometimes I can feel the dark closing in and now I worry that I'll be alone forever, or never find the feelings in another person that I seek or just a mutual respect.
Okay so I'm rambling I'm gonna end this for now....

tell me - remember - make a change

[Tuesday
08 25 09 - 01:03P]
[ mood | bitchy ]

So I'm pretty sure that the universe is shitting on me in some way that or this is all some big cosmic joke that I don't get the punch line for, either way I'm lost and the bad luck just keeps coming my way, I'm pretty much living proof these past few months that anything that can happen will, whether it be panic attacks or losing my job, or bouncing my bank account, or getting the flu, or a family member dying, or a friend joining the service,or getting a job and losing it in the same day, my dog eating my carpet, my cars messing up, and then there are the days when I try to set out to have a good or at least decent day and everything I touch turns to shit and I'll just keep trying to go on and it just keeps getting deeper and I really just don't understand what I've done, I'm on Zoloft now just so I can keep functioning and it really helps its improved my outlook so now I can at least smile while life takes a giant shit on me.

tell me - remember - make a change

Children [Wednesday
04 15 09 - 01:11P]
Children
Myspace Glitter Graphics

tell me - remember - make a change

[Tuesday
03 10 09 - 02:42P]
[ mood | amused ]

So life has settled down since my last post which was more than a year ago, my daughter is now 19 months old, I have a job, a different car, and an apartment. So yeah I put on my big girl pants and buckled down into becoming an adult and strangely enough its not that much different now, except for that little voice in my head that tells me if I fuck up I fuck up for all of us which can freak a person out every now and then.

Jeremy turned around and looked at me the other day and said " I remember when all you and your friends were just out bopping and partying and now you've all got kids." Yeah true there but in the long run its all worked out and I'm ok with where I am at. Granted I have no long term goal beside keeping a roof over our heads in food in our bellies but I didn't have any even when I was in college which is why I hated it there, I had absolutely no drive after the first 2 months and it felt like all the assholes and phony people there were suffocating me. Eventually one day I'm going to figure out what I want to do with myself, just need something to make me feel inspired. Right now my goals revolve around my daughter and her potential and sometime in between helping her to become a well adjusted person I may find my path in the middle of it all.


Run kenzie, run!


But even if I wander a bit on my path I just gotta remember that not all who wander are lost

tell me - remember - make a change

[Tuesday
03 10 09 - 02:42P]
[ mood | amused ]

So life has settled down since my last post which was more than a year ago, my daughter is now 19 months old, I have a job, a different car, and an apartment. So yeah I put on my big girl pants and buckled down into becoming an adult and strangely enough its not that much different now, except for that little voice in my head that tells me if I fuck up I fuck up for all of us which can freak a person out every now and then.

Jeremy turned around and looked at me the other day and said " I remember when all you and your friends were just out bopping and partying and now you've all got kids." Yeah true there but in the long run its all worked out and I'm ok with where I am at. Granted I have no long term goal beside keeping a roof over our heads in food in our bellies but I didn't have any even when I was in college which is why I hated it there, I had absolutely no drive after the first 2 months and it felt like all the assholes and phony people there were suffocating me. Eventually one day I'm going to figure out what I want to do with myself, just need something to make me feel inspired. Right now my goals revolve around my daughter and her potential and sometime in between helping her to become a well adjusted person I may find my path in the middle of it all.





But even if I wander a bit on my path I just gotta remember that not all who wander are lost

tell me - remember - make a change

[Tuesday
10 16 07 - 08:36P]
[ mood | awake ]

Life with a baby is hectic, and you know I had my self all prepped up for it when I was pregnant but nothing can prepare you for the real thing. Jeremy started a new job which adds to the insanity and it seems that every week I have at least 3 appointments, last week I had an appointment every day from Monday till Friday. I'm excited about Jeremy returning to work, now we can provide better for our daughter and I can afford to spoil her a little. That and Christmas is coming up, and even though she'll only be 4 months I still wanna make her first Christmas special.

I get my mirena put in the 24th so then I can have normal sex again and not have to worry about conceiving another child. Because someone doesn't like to wear a condom so I went ahead and made the appointment to get the mirena because I don't want another child again for a long while.

The elections are coming up soon and I still haven't wandered my happy ass down to register to vote, and it's ironic because politics and the issues is something thats normally a high priority of mine, but since we've moved to another county I haven't gotten around to it.

So I've technically lost all my baby weight but I've still got this flabby belly, ugh. I mean I've always been a big girl but this is ridiculous, and it's not like I can find time to exercise. I barely have to shower or sleep or hell even eat where would I find time to exercise?

Last night was hands down the worst night I've had since having the baby, 5 hours of crying for no reason. I tried everything and finally I was just letting her cry it out for a minute while I was sitting there getting ready to explode and Jeremy happened to wake up and tell me "do something with your damn daughter." I lost it, the scary voice came out of me and I ended up going out on the porch and crying for about 45 minutes. She just had me at my wits end I was so frazzled and she just wouldn't stop. I feel bad about losing it now but I just couldn't handle it last night. I know she picks up on the stress and I don't want that but I try and sometimes it still happens.

On a lighter note we went and had her pictures taken again and she's going to be in a baby contest on the 26th. :) I think she's the cutest baby so of course she has a shot of winning but I'm a little biased. But even if she doesn't win the still give everyone a trophy that way none of the mommies feel bad.

The healthy families women gave me the information on this infant see program that does free eye exams for babies in their first year, and I'm making her an appointment once she hits around 6 months because his whole family wears glasses and most of mine do to and I don't want her to spend her first couple of years in a blur. Because you know I'm constantly worried about little neurotic things like that.

Grandma showed me these really cool wedding rings that have Gaelic on the outside of them and their sterling silver and on the inside it tells what the Gaelic says and its "two heart one soul". I think their sweet so her and grandpa are going to get them for us as a wedding present because although we don't have an exact date set it will be in the next year or two but two will be pushing it because we want it to happen sooner. I was all for going to the Smokey's and getting married in a little mountain church, because they have really nice package deals, but Jeremy wants to get married around here so my only requirement is that it be outside.

Blah anyway I'm rambling, oh yes we're going yard-sailing this weekend there's going to be yard sales all down State Road 66, I think its at least a hundred of them, granted we won't make it to them all but it should be fun.

Now to go give pootie (that's Kenzies nickname, because she farts all the time) a bath, hopefully she doesn't scream like we're killing her. Sometimes she likes it and sometimes she doesn't.

tell me - remember - make a change

[Monday
09 17 07 - 09:40P]
[ mood | awake ]

So I ended up having my daughter on her due date, I was scheduled for an Induction that Sunday but she decided she wasn't waiting. So Kenzie Lynn Litherland made her appearance on August 18th weighing 9 lbs. 4oz. and she was 21 inches long.
Being a mommy is different than I expected, Its weird that you can love a little person like her so much and yet sometimes she makes me wanna rip my hair out, little things got my temper and once she gets mad it can take awhile to calm her back down.
Breastfeeding has been a challenge to from latching on, milk allergies, growth spurts, me having to take meds, and lack of sleep. So we're doing both (bottle and breast) and although its not what I originally planned she's happy and mommy has some sanity.
I had a job interview last week, which wasn't what I planned either but I can make more money there than Jeremy can at alot of the places around here, so if I get it she'll stay here with daddy. I'm not putting my baby into day-care.
This kid has so much clothes, between me and her grandmas it's unreal. Every time I turn around theres more baby clothes.
Her and grandma get along real well, she sings to her and pats her butt and tells her stories, it's cute.
Me and Jeremy are doing pretty well considering the stress a new baby can put on a relationship, some angry half asleep words have been said but we always apologize and neither of us takes it to heart because we know the other didn't mean it.

But yeah life is a little hectic but its also going well, god I love that kid.

Kenzie's Hospital Picture

tell me - remember - make a change

WOOHOO [Tuesday
08 14 07 - 08:57P]
[ mood | anxious ]

So its official, my cervix still had no change when I went to my appointment today but.....
I'm getting induced on Sunday night. So my baby will be here sometime Monday!!

tell me - remember - make a change

[Thursday
08 09 07 - 10:02P]
[ mood | aggravated ]

THIS BABY IS NEVER GOING TO COME OUT!
I'm going to be taking my stomach to kindergarten
Everyones having their baby before me
*CRIES*

tell me - remember - make a change

RANT [Thursday
07 12 07 - 11:29P]
[ mood | annoyed ]

35 more days??
NOOOOOOO.... pout I want her out now. I'm tired of being swollen and tired and hungry all the time.
That and people asking "had that baby yet?" nope I'm just hiding this cantaloupe under my shirt for shits and giggles.
Also the next person who tells me they WANT me to have to go over my due date I'm gonna punch in the face, I'm miserable asshole stop wishing that on me.
I have a crater face, I seriously havent had pimples like this since effing middle school.
That and the damn therapy for my stupid hip that keeps hopping out of place, medievil torture thats what that was. But on a lighter note it did help once the excrutiating pain went away.
Makes we wanna kick jeremy in the balls but I wont because I'm nice.

Also stairs and a full bladder= the devil

2 comments - tell me - remember - make a change

[Saturday
05 26 07 - 01:54A]
[ mood | awake ]


Your Score: 4- the Individualist


Thanks for taking the test !



you chose BY - your Enneagram type is FOUR (aka "The Romantic")


"I am unique"



Romantics have sensitive feelings and are warm and perceptive.


How to Get Along with Me



  • Give me plenty of compliments. They mean a lot to me.
  • Be a supportive friend or partner. Help me to learn to love and value myself.
  • Respect me for my special gifts of intuition and vision.
  • Though I don't always want to be cheered up when I'm feeling melancholy, I sometimes like to have someone lighten me up a little.
  • Don't tell me I'm too sensitive or that I'm overreacting!

What I Like About Being a Four



  • my ability to find meaning in life and to experience feeling at a deep level
  • my ability to establish warm connections with people
  • admiring what is noble, truthful, and beautiful in life
  • my creativity, intuition, and sense of humor
  • being unique and being seen as unique by others
  • having aesthetic sensibilities
  • being able to easily pick up the feelings of people around me

What's Hard About Being a Four



  • experiencing dark moods of emptiness and despair
  • feelings of self-hatred and shame; believing I don't deserve to be loved
  • feeling guilty when I disappoint people
  • feeling hurt or attacked when someone misundertands me
  • expecting too much from myself and life
  • fearing being abandoned
  • obsessing over resentments
  • longing for what I don't have

Fours as Children Often



  • have active imaginations: play creatively alone or organize playmates in original game s
  • are very sensitive
  • feel that they don't fit in
  • believe they are missing something that other people have
  • attach themselves to idealized teachers, heroes, artists, etc.
  • become antiauthoritarian or rebellious when criticized or not understood
  • feel lonely or abandoned (perhaps as a result of a death or their parents' divorce)

Fours as Parents



  • help their children become who they really are
  • support their children's creativity and originality
  • are good at helping their children get in touch with their feelings
  • are sometimes overly critical or overly protective
  • are usually very good with children if not too self-absorbed

Renee Baron & Elizabeth Wagele

The Enneagram Made Easy
Discover the 9 Types of People
Harper SanFrancisco, 1994, 161 pages



You liked the test?
so S P R E A D I T ! tell everyone!!! (use Quick-Paste below)

you wanna know MORE?
so check out, what Wikipedia says about your type...

...even more you'll find in Google

or do you prefer to








You are not completely happy with the result?!
You chose BY

Would you rather have chosen:

  • AY (EIGHT)
  • CY (SIX)
  • BX (NINE)
  • BZ (FIVE)

  • Link: The Quick & Painless ENNEAGRAM Test written by felk on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the The Dating Persona Test
    tell me - remember - make a change

    Hooray for cravings [Wednesday
    04 18 07 - 01:02A]
    [ mood | full ]

    Extreme cravings + Pouting = A bag of hershey bites, a slice of sausage pizza, and a "giant" blue rasberry slushie.

    Victory is mine and it has never tasted so sweet.

    My birthday is coming up soon, wOOhOO cake!

    Honestly I don't just think about food all the time, but really my life has become that boring. Oh well, I'm happy.

    tell me - remember - make a change

    [Saturday
    03 31 07 - 04:39A]
    [ mood | hungry ]

    I'm hungry and there's nothing here I want, *pout*
    It was sticky out today so I felt icky and miserable all day
    So then I hid in the nice cool basement and read my library books like the nerdy little hermit I am.

    tell me - remember - make a change

    Look mommy its the bear lady... [Sunday
    02 25 07 - 01:05A]
    [ mood | hungry ]

    I have become a bear, I hibernate most of the day, then replenish myself with yummies and of course empty my bladder, then perhaps I might read for awhile or get on the computer but then I'm asleep again, I can't help it I fall asleep anymore all the time without warning. Napping is my new hobby.
    My prenatal vitamins suck big arse, they're huge and have this vanilla-y coating on them so not only are they hard to swallow they make me gag because of their strong taste.
    I want barbecued baby back ribs so bad it makes me wanna cry. :*(
    All I do at night is think about the food I want, it's sad, because I don't eat to much during the day because of a little thing called morning sickness, blah it sucks and it was supposed to start going away once I hit my second trimester and it hasn't so I'm probably gonna be one of those lucky ladies who get sick through out their entire pregnancy.
    Jeremy and I's anniversary is in 4 days, so I'm secretly hoping I get my engagement ring, because my whole familys already planning everything and it's kinda hard to get married if you don't get proposed to first.
    Jeremy got called a pirate by this little girl the other day when we went to my ob's and got my ultrasounds done, couldn't tell what sex the baby was though. Oh well I go back for another in 7 weeks and we should know then.

    tell me - remember - make a change

    Oh Snap! I'm pregnant.. [Saturday
    02 24 07 - 05:28A]
    [ mood | tired ]

    Wow I haven't updated this in along time, life as usual has been hectic and I'm 4 months pregnant actually very happy about it. Life actually has become less stressful because I basically quit caring about everyone else and started caring more about myself.
    Dropped out of college because I hated it with a burning passion everyday I went there I sat in class with a knot of tension in my stomache, it was not the right college for me at all, that and well I got knocked up. :P
    More ignorant bull happened it the past couple months, like my boyfriends sister dated my dad, (way to hillbilly-ish for my taste) then they broke up and have procedeed to try and start drama anyway possible, my cousin sarah basically abandoned her kids, still stuck talking to police and criminal profilers because of the murder case. And none of it means anything to me, because I've realized these people are not my problem
    I've always let myself be the person that people only call to bitch to or to ask for a ride or a favor, and guess what it's over. Call it hormones or whatever but I made the decision that those who only call me when they want something aren't worth my time because I'm only focusing on one thing my baby .
    It's scary because I sit here and look at those I've called friends and half of them are ignorant and immature, they're never gonna grow up and they're never gonna change.
    I also quit smoking pot because 1) I'm pregnant, but I quit way before that the main reason is I'm 18 now and old enough to go to jail, life was different when I was a minor and didn't have to be responsible for my actions or face major consequences.
    But anywho I'm gonna wrap this up, but you'll see more of me because I'm an internet junkie, and anymore all myspace does is piss me off.

    tell me - remember - make a change

    *Day* [Monday
    11 20 06 - 05:19P]
    [ mood | pleased ]

    Some day I'm gonna be whole again,
    Some day I'm gonna be clean,
    Some day I'm gonna be strong again,
    Instead of just obscence
    One day I'll find my shadow
    One day I'll learn true glee
    One day I'll learn to fly again
    And finally be me
    The day my heart speaks
    The day I learn to see
    The day misonceptions die
    I'll finally be free

    tell me - remember - make a change

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