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[Thursday
11 19 09 - 04:43P] |
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mood |
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 anxious |
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music |
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Damien Rice: Coconut Skins |
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I don't wanna become the woman with the steel fortress put up around myself. That's always my first instinct is if life gets hectic and comes crashing down on me I'm ready to put up my walls. I can normally fight it off and accept the fact that there's balance in the universe and just keep my head up and keep moving on.
Here lately though I've been bitter and kind of dazed. Not to anyone in particular actually mostly to myself. Sometimes it feels like crying like a little child seems like the most rational thing to do maybe it'll make the knot in my stomach go away, but I learned along time ago crying doesn't help the situation its relief is short lived and these are things I'm going to need to change in my life so I needn't be wasting time freaking out at the minor things in life that keep getting thrown my way although I really want to sometimes.
There's always something to be thankful for mine here lately have been friends, old and new. For tolerating my insecurities and my crazy spaz moments and just being there for me and everyone now and then having to help the drunk clumsy girl up. (Ahh fun times)
I'm always thankful for my daughter she's my spot of sun when the shadows close in on me, I just hope that the stress of the past couple of weeks events hasn't bothered her to much.
I guess in regards to how I feel anymore there's the little girl inside me that fears of being alone in the dark and sometimes I can feel the dark closing in and now I worry that I'll be alone forever, or never find the feelings in another person that I seek or just a mutual respect.
Okay so I'm rambling I'm gonna end this for now....
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[Tuesday
08 25 09 - 01:03P] |
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mood |
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 bitchy |
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music |
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Blind Melon: No Rain |
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So I'm pretty sure that the universe is shitting on me in some way that or this is all some big cosmic joke that I don't get the punch line for, either way I'm lost and the bad luck just keeps coming my way, I'm pretty much living proof these past few months that anything that can happen will, whether it be panic attacks or losing my job, or bouncing my bank account, or getting the flu, or a family member dying, or a friend joining the service,or getting a job and losing it in the same day, my dog eating my carpet, my cars messing up, and then there are the days when I try to set out to have a good or at least decent day and everything I touch turns to shit and I'll just keep trying to go on and it just keeps getting deeper and I really just don't understand what I've done, I'm on Zoloft now just so I can keep functioning and it really helps its improved my outlook so now I can at least smile while life takes a giant shit on me.
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[Tuesday
03 10 09 - 02:42P] |
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mood |
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 amused |
] |
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music |
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Everclear: Wonderful |
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So life has settled down since my last post which was more than a year ago, my daughter is now 19 months old, I have a job, a different car, and an apartment. So yeah I put on my big girl pants and buckled down into becoming an adult and strangely enough its not that much different now, except for that little voice in my head that tells me if I fuck up I fuck up for all of us which can freak a person out every now and then.
Jeremy turned around and looked at me the other day and said " I remember when all you and your friends were just out bopping and partying and now you've all got kids." Yeah true there but in the long run its all worked out and I'm ok with where I am at. Granted I have no long term goal beside keeping a roof over our heads in food in our bellies but I didn't have any even when I was in college which is why I hated it there, I had absolutely no drive after the first 2 months and it felt like all the assholes and phony people there were suffocating me. Eventually one day I'm going to figure out what I want to do with myself, just need something to make me feel inspired. Right now my goals revolve around my daughter and her potential and sometime in between helping her to become a well adjusted person I may find my path in the middle of it all.
But even if I wander a bit on my path I just gotta remember that not all who wander are lost
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[Tuesday
03 10 09 - 02:42P] |
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mood |
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amused |
] |
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music |
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Everclear: Wonderful |
] |
So life has settled down since my last post which was more than a year ago, my daughter is now 19 months old, I have a job, a different car, and an apartment. So yeah I put on my big girl pants and buckled down into becoming an adult and strangely enough its not that much different now, except for that little voice in my head that tells me if I fuck up I fuck up for all of us which can freak a person out every now and then.
Jeremy turned around and looked at me the other day and said " I remember when all you and your friends were just out bopping and partying and now you've all got kids." Yeah true there but in the long run its all worked out and I'm ok with where I am at. Granted I have no long term goal beside keeping a roof over our heads in food in our bellies but I didn't have any even when I was in college which is why I hated it there, I had absolutely no drive after the first 2 months and it felt like all the assholes and phony people there were suffocating me. Eventually one day I'm going to figure out what I want to do with myself, just need something to make me feel inspired. Right now my goals revolve around my daughter and her potential and sometime in between helping her to become a well adjusted person I may find my path in the middle of it all.
But even if I wander a bit on my path I just gotta remember that not all who wander are lost
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[Tuesday
10 16 07 - 08:36P] |
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mood |
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 awake |
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Life with a baby is hectic, and you know I had my self all prepped up for it when I was pregnant but nothing can prepare you for the real thing. Jeremy started a new job which adds to the insanity and it seems that every week I have at least 3 appointments, last week I had an appointment every day from Monday till Friday. I'm excited about Jeremy returning to work, now we can provide better for our daughter and I can afford to spoil her a little. That and Christmas is coming up, and even though she'll only be 4 months I still wanna make her first Christmas special.
I get my mirena put in the 24th so then I can have normal sex again and not have to worry about conceiving another child. Because someone doesn't like to wear a condom so I went ahead and made the appointment to get the mirena because I don't want another child again for a long while.
The elections are coming up soon and I still haven't wandered my happy ass down to register to vote, and it's ironic because politics and the issues is something thats normally a high priority of mine, but since we've moved to another county I haven't gotten around to it.
So I've technically lost all my baby weight but I've still got this flabby belly, ugh. I mean I've always been a big girl but this is ridiculous, and it's not like I can find time to exercise. I barely have to shower or sleep or hell even eat where would I find time to exercise?
Last night was hands down the worst night I've had since having the baby, 5 hours of crying for no reason. I tried everything and finally I was just letting her cry it out for a minute while I was sitting there getting ready to explode and Jeremy happened to wake up and tell me "do something with your damn daughter." I lost it, the scary voice came out of me and I ended up going out on the porch and crying for about 45 minutes. She just had me at my wits end I was so frazzled and she just wouldn't stop. I feel bad about losing it now but I just couldn't handle it last night. I know she picks up on the stress and I don't want that but I try and sometimes it still happens.
On a lighter note we went and had her pictures taken again and she's going to be in a baby contest on the 26th. :) I think she's the cutest baby so of course she has a shot of winning but I'm a little biased. But even if she doesn't win the still give everyone a trophy that way none of the mommies feel bad.
The healthy families women gave me the information on this infant see program that does free eye exams for babies in their first year, and I'm making her an appointment once she hits around 6 months because his whole family wears glasses and most of mine do to and I don't want her to spend her first couple of years in a blur. Because you know I'm constantly worried about little neurotic things like that.
Grandma showed me these really cool wedding rings that have Gaelic on the outside of them and their sterling silver and on the inside it tells what the Gaelic says and its "two heart one soul". I think their sweet so her and grandpa are going to get them for us as a wedding present because although we don't have an exact date set it will be in the next year or two but two will be pushing it because we want it to happen sooner. I was all for going to the Smokey's and getting married in a little mountain church, because they have really nice package deals, but Jeremy wants to get married around here so my only requirement is that it be outside.
Blah anyway I'm rambling, oh yes we're going yard-sailing this weekend there's going to be yard sales all down State Road 66, I think its at least a hundred of them, granted we won't make it to them all but it should be fun.
Now to go give pootie (that's Kenzies nickname, because she farts all the time) a bath, hopefully she doesn't scream like we're killing her. Sometimes she likes it and sometimes she doesn't.
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[Monday
09 17 07 - 09:40P] |
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mood |
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awake |
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So I ended up having my daughter on her due date, I was scheduled for an Induction that Sunday but she decided she wasn't waiting. So Kenzie Lynn Litherland made her appearance on August 18th weighing 9 lbs. 4oz. and she was 21 inches long.
Being a mommy is different than I expected, Its weird that you can love a little person like her so much and yet sometimes she makes me wanna rip my hair out, little things got my temper and once she gets mad it can take awhile to calm her back down.
Breastfeeding has been a challenge to from latching on, milk allergies, growth spurts, me having to take meds, and lack of sleep. So we're doing both (bottle and breast) and although its not what I originally planned she's happy and mommy has some sanity.
I had a job interview last week, which wasn't what I planned either but I can make more money there than Jeremy can at alot of the places around here, so if I get it she'll stay here with daddy. I'm not putting my baby into day-care.
This kid has so much clothes, between me and her grandmas it's unreal. Every time I turn around theres more baby clothes.
Her and grandma get along real well, she sings to her and pats her butt and tells her stories, it's cute.
Me and Jeremy are doing pretty well considering the stress a new baby can put on a relationship, some angry half asleep words have been said but we always apologize and neither of us takes it to heart because we know the other didn't mean it.
But yeah life is a little hectic but its also going well, god I love that kid.
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| WOOHOO |
[Tuesday
08 14 07 - 08:57P] |
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mood |
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anxious |
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So its official, my cervix still had no change when I went to my appointment today but.....
I'm getting induced on Sunday night. So my baby will be here sometime Monday!!
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[Thursday
08 09 07 - 10:02P] |
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mood |
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 aggravated |
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THIS BABY IS NEVER GOING TO COME OUT!
I'm going to be taking my stomach to kindergarten
Everyones having their baby before me
*CRIES*
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| RANT |
[Thursday
07 12 07 - 11:29P] |
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mood |
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annoyed |
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35 more days??
NOOOOOOO.... pout I want her out now. I'm tired of being swollen and tired and hungry all the time.
That and people asking "had that baby yet?" nope I'm just hiding this cantaloupe under my shirt for shits and giggles.
Also the next person who tells me they WANT me to have to go over my due date I'm gonna punch in the face, I'm miserable asshole stop wishing that on me.
I have a crater face, I seriously havent had pimples like this since effing middle school.
That and the damn therapy for my stupid hip that keeps hopping out of place, medievil torture thats what that was. But on a lighter note it did help once the excrutiating pain went away.
Makes we wanna kick jeremy in the balls but I wont because I'm nice.
Also stairs and a full bladder= the devil
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[Saturday
05 26 07 - 01:54A] |
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mood |
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awake |
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Your Score: 4- the IndividualistThanks for taking the test !you chose BY - your Enneagram type is FOUR (aka "The Romantic")
"I am unique"
Romantics have sensitive feelings and are warm and perceptive. How to Get Along with Me
- Give me plenty of compliments. They mean a lot to me.
- Be a supportive friend or partner. Help me to learn to love and value myself.
- Respect me for my special gifts of intuition and vision.
- Though I don't always want to be cheered up when I'm feeling melancholy, I sometimes like to have someone lighten me up a little.
- Don't tell me I'm too sensitive or that I'm overreacting!
What I Like About Being a Four
- my ability to find meaning in life and to experience feeling at a deep level
- my ability to establish warm connections with people
- admiring what is noble, truthful, and beautiful in life
- my creativity, intuition, and sense of humor
- being unique and being seen as unique by others
- having aesthetic sensibilities
- being able to easily pick up the feelings of people around me
What's Hard About Being a Four
- experiencing dark moods of emptiness and despair
- feelings of self-hatred and shame; believing I don't deserve to be loved
- feeling guilty when I disappoint people
- feeling hurt or attacked when someone misundertands me
- expecting too much from myself and life
- fearing being abandoned
- obsessing over resentments
- longing for what I don't have
Fours as Children Often
- have active imaginations: play creatively alone or organize playmates in original game s
- are very sensitive
- feel that they don't fit in
- believe they are missing something that other people have
- attach themselves to idealized teachers, heroes, artists, etc.
- become antiauthoritarian or rebellious when criticized or not understood
- feel lonely or abandoned (perhaps as a result of a death or their parents' divorce)
Fours as Parents
- help their children become who they really are
- support their children's creativity and originality
- are good at helping their children get in touch with their feelings
- are sometimes overly critical or overly protective
- are usually very good with children if not too self-absorbed
Renee Baron & Elizabeth Wagele
The Enneagram Made Easy
Discover the 9 Types of People
Harper SanFrancisco, 1994, 161 pages
You liked the test?
so S P R E A D I T ! tell everyone!!! (use Quick-Paste below)
you wanna know MORE?
so check out, what Wikipedia says about your type...
...even more you'll find in Google
or do you prefer to
You are not completely happy with the result?!
You chose BY
Would you rather have chosen:
AY (EIGHT)
CY (SIX)
BX (NINE)
BZ (FIVE)
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| Hooray for cravings |
[Wednesday
04 18 07 - 01:02A] |
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mood |
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 full |
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Extreme cravings + Pouting = A bag of hershey bites, a slice of sausage pizza, and a "giant" blue rasberry slushie.
Victory is mine and it has never tasted so sweet.
My birthday is coming up soon, wOOhOO cake!
Honestly I don't just think about food all the time, but really my life has become that boring. Oh well, I'm happy.
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[Saturday
03 31 07 - 04:39A] |
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mood |
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 hungry |
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I'm hungry and there's nothing here I want, *pout*
It was sticky out today so I felt icky and miserable all day
So then I hid in the nice cool basement and read my library books like the nerdy little hermit I am.
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| Look mommy its the bear lady... |
[Sunday
02 25 07 - 01:05A] |
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mood |
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hungry |
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I have become a bear, I hibernate most of the day, then replenish myself with yummies and of course empty my bladder, then perhaps I might read for awhile or get on the computer but then I'm asleep again, I can't help it I fall asleep anymore all the time without warning. Napping is my new hobby.
My prenatal vitamins suck big arse, they're huge and have this vanilla-y coating on them so not only are they hard to swallow they make me gag because of their strong taste.
I want barbecued baby back ribs so bad it makes me wanna cry. :*(
All I do at night is think about the food I want, it's sad, because I don't eat to much during the day because of a little thing called morning sickness, blah it sucks and it was supposed to start going away once I hit my second trimester and it hasn't so I'm probably gonna be one of those lucky ladies who get sick through out their entire pregnancy.
Jeremy and I's anniversary is in 4 days, so I'm secretly hoping I get my engagement ring, because my whole familys already planning everything and it's kinda hard to get married if you don't get proposed to first.
Jeremy got called a pirate by this little girl the other day when we went to my ob's and got my ultrasounds done, couldn't tell what sex the baby was though. Oh well I go back for another in 7 weeks and we should know then.
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| Oh Snap! I'm pregnant.. |
[Saturday
02 24 07 - 05:28A] |
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mood |
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 tired |
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music |
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Blue October: Into the Ocean |
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Wow I haven't updated this in along time, life as usual has been hectic and I'm 4 months pregnant actually very happy about it. Life actually has become less stressful because I basically quit caring about everyone else and started caring more about myself.
Dropped out of college because I hated it with a burning passion everyday I went there I sat in class with a knot of tension in my stomache, it was not the right college for me at all, that and well I got knocked up. :P
More ignorant bull happened it the past couple months, like my boyfriends sister dated my dad, (way to hillbilly-ish for my taste) then they broke up and have procedeed to try and start drama anyway possible, my cousin sarah basically abandoned her kids, still stuck talking to police and criminal profilers because of the murder case. And none of it means anything to me, because I've realized these people are not my problem
I've always let myself be the person that people only call to bitch to or to ask for a ride or a favor, and guess what it's over. Call it hormones or whatever but I made the decision that those who only call me when they want something aren't worth my time because I'm only focusing on one thing my baby .
It's scary because I sit here and look at those I've called friends and half of them are ignorant and immature, they're never gonna grow up and they're never gonna change.
I also quit smoking pot because 1) I'm pregnant, but I quit way before that the main reason is I'm 18 now and old enough to go to jail, life was different when I was a minor and didn't have to be responsible for my actions or face major consequences.
But anywho I'm gonna wrap this up, but you'll see more of me because I'm an internet junkie, and anymore all myspace does is piss me off.
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| *Day* |
[Monday
11 20 06 - 05:19P] |
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mood |
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pleased |
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Some day I'm gonna be whole again,
Some day I'm gonna be clean,
Some day I'm gonna be strong again,
Instead of just obscence
One day I'll find my shadow
One day I'll learn true glee
One day I'll learn to fly again
And finally be me
The day my heart speaks
The day I learn to see
The day misonceptions die
I'll finally be free
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[Monday
07 24 06 - 07:46P] |
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mood |
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 out of it |
] |
Technically I'm suppossed to be at work right now, but the nurse wasn't able to come in and supervise my last med pass before I'm able to pass them myself.
It is incrediably hot and muggy, it has been a little better the past few days but I don't think I can take much more of this heat.
There is now less than a month left until my dad gets out of jail.
This whole summer I have felt dazed and confused, sort of out of it.
The child has head lice, *shudder* so I've taken to hiding in my room and told her if I catch her down her I'm going to beat her (not really it's just a threat) but she better not come down here.
College starts in exactly a month for me, still don't know if I'll have all the money.
*end*
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| I'm back |
[Monday
06 12 06 - 04:59P] |
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mood |
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 blah |
] |
Ok so I haven't updated in a long while, shit got a little hectic around here for awhile.
So obviously I graduated and I'm now 18.
The very last day of high school has came and gone and I was bummed out on that day but not because I was leaving, my mom's friend Flywheel had died and Jeremy, my dad, Jessica, and I all went out to Jessica's Aunt Terry's and her husband Punky's to talk and deal with the fact flywheel had died because Aunt Terry was wigging out, so we're out there until about 12:00 and then we have to go home, well Jessica calls me up at 2:30 in the morning doing this unbelievable bawling and I can't figure out why then she spits it out, after we left Punky grabbed his pistol and blew his head off right in front of Aunt Terry. So that was alot of weird drama and funerals in a very short period of time.
Then my graduation party rolled around and life become even more hectic. But it was fun all in all just a little crazy.
I did go to Elfest and I had a blast, even though I didn't socialize with very many people.
I've got a job now working at Res Care taking care of a group of mentally challenged girls.
And we thought the rattling that my car has been doing was fixed but its appearantly not. Its back now with a vengenance, I will be updating more often it's just summer caught up with me for a few weeks there.
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| 2 days until I'm 18 |
[Tuesday
05 16 06 - 02:15P] |
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mood |
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 calm |
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music |
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Heart: Crazy on You |
] |
My weekend went well, Friday had senior trip which was a blast, Saturday was Gabby's birthday and our full moon ritual (we also had to take our tests for neophyte, I did well) Sunday dad finally came over and put my brakes on.
I burnt my hand something fierce this weekend, on our new toaster oven, I now have a perfect coil ring where I accidentally hit it, and it really hurts. :(
There's only 11 days until graduation, and 9 more days left of actual school.
Bush was on t.v. last night, have I mentioned before that I hate that prick something fierce, probably.
Today is one of those incredibly boring days.
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| Catfight |
[Thursday
05 11 06 - 02:10P] |
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mood |
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 hyper |
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Well this school day has turned out interesting Here's How:
I go outside at lunch and appearantly these two girls from Tell City High School are here to jump Diana Lane so everyone's standing around and these girls who are twins are jumping Diana, and everyone is just standing there, so I asked "Is anyone gonna go over there," well appearantly not so I walk over there and scream "Knock it the f*ck off" and the fighting stops, then Thomas comes over and moves Diana away from them, gets like 20 feet then Lydia follows and the cat fight is on again, so out of nowhere Vanessa plows Lydia (one of the twins) down and she's like "Do you really wanna mess with me" and they back off and then the cops came.
Now the main girl who started the fight, is pregnant, and her and her twin are major b*tches, while I was standing there she's like "Yeah kill my baby, I was gonna get rid of it anyway."
Perry county is majorly screwed up. The two girls are suspended from there school and Mrs. Noland who is also a social worker is calling Child Services on Lydia number 1 for fighting, and number 2 for threatning harm to her child.
Anywho, So now I'm getting praised and everyone's in awe of Vanessa because I'm not kidding she took that girl down hard. Vanessa is one girl I truly would never wanna get in a fight with. It's all Drama
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moon_light's journal
