Sometimes I look in the mirror and wonder who the hell I am and how the fuck did I get here? I've always had good intentions just somewhere down the road either my previous decisions end up sabotaging me or I throw a monkey wrench into the mix without even realizing that I've done it. It's sad that I honestly think deep down I'm trying to find sincere feelings whether they be friends, family, a lover, a companion. I just keep seeming to find the people who you know in the beginning seem like we could really click and then I realize I was just wanting to see what I wanted to see. No one's perfect, I know this. I'm so far from it it's not funny but sometimes it seems like I pick people who keeps the most distance from me, keep their feelings a bit guarded. This message mostly applies to the men I keep picking, god I worry one day I'm going to turn into my mother and make rash and impulsive decisions and be married from one asshole to another its ridiculous how much I worry about becoming this woman. Sometimes I have panic attacks worrying about my future, that I'm gonna make a series of bad decisions and end up living bitter and alone or stuck in a power struggle of a relationship and never find my inner peace, who I'm supposed to be, where I fit in, my niche, my more definitive path.
Sometimes I wonder if I really don't sabotage myself self-consciously making decisions that are going to come back up and bite me in the ass later on in life. I wanna learn as much as I can, I wanna love and be loved as much I feel deep within me to settle the burning feeling to a constant glow, I wanna find more inner peace, I wanna make something of myself. I don't know what else to say besides dear brittany lets make a pact here to ourselves that I'm not going to deal with the negatives anymore only dealing with positives in my life. I will be the change I wanna see in the world. I will learn when to make decisions with my heart or with my head. I will find my inner self and connect with her more. And most of all I will be happy.